A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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