I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
