Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just google imaged poop.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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