I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
