I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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