Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
