mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
