The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
