hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
