There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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