your thong is hanging out like whoa
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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