does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
