my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
