Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
