I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
