I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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