She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
