did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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