where am i from again
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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