I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
