i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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