pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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