K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
