If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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