The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
