I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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