She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I AM VODKA MAN
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
