I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
