I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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