I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just had sex on a roof
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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