seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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