Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Did I show you my penis last night?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
