hotel room ftw
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i now understand why vodka
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
