Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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