you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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