i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
