I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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