the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
