I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
