so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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