I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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