3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
