My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
