How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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