he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
