when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
