I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
