Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
