just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
