also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
