You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
