I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
